RELATIONSHIPS// APPROACH TO THE NEGATIVE MIND | HEY LIAO!: RELATIONSHIPS// APPROACH TO THE NEGATIVE MIND

29.11.13

RELATIONSHIPS// APPROACH TO THE NEGATIVE MIND

illustration by Midgy

"You can't force anyone to love you, but you you can be loving and trust that the right one will love you back and be your fear combat buddy!"

My sole purpose for these relationship posts are simply written in hopes of helping others gain a healthier perspective on situations where one may self destruct due to negative thoughts. That is what I see often and have done to myself in the past. (Many of us, we self destruct by listening to the most "realistic sounding outcome but not necessarily the true one" the reason for that is not knowing how to love one self properly in return we can not trust others.)

Let me begin by telling you my trigger. 

I think a lot about why I do things the way I do and choose to think the way I think. I think the kind of mainstream thought is to not be too trusting. It's a sign of weakness ("so they say"), I can't help but feel sad/ depressed sometimes because this is what I typically hear. These are scenarios created by me from what I hear mixed with my personal experiences. 

Please read these scenarios and see which one best describes your reaction to the situation.


(Scenario 1)

Person 1: So my boyfriend has told me that he has allowed his friend (female), whom he just just became friends with not long ago sleep in his bed because she has been locked out of her new dorm room and he felt he had to help her out (he would do the same for anyone regardless it was a female or male). He feels so horrible about potentially making me feel bad and he is now unable to fall asleep and is lying on the floor writing to me on facebook. 

Friend types: (Initial reactions)

(type a): Omg! yeah right! In his bed? A new girl who is attractive too sleeping in his bed? Don't be so naive men make up all types of excuses so they can get away with things! (Majority)

(type b): wow.. I don't know how I would feel if that happened to me how awkward...and you are feeling alright? (inside this friend is thinking...cheater) (average)

(type c): It's probably nothing! He isn't that type of guy and sometimes awkward situations happen but it's not because he's cheating or that something shady is happening. He's just helping a friend out don't make it too complicated. You should trust your boyfriend cause if you did the same wouldn't you want to be trusted too if you were only telling the truth? (lowest percentage).

(Scenario 2:)

Person 1: So this girl has been hitting on my boyfriend, he says he's not interested however they might be going out to get drinks cause she's kinda an old friend from few years back and now she's actually studying in his university. She's also getting private tutoring  help from him with some computer softwares. He feels like there might be some interest on her part cause he can feel it, but he might just be thinking too much.  

I don't know what to think, I'm kindaaa jealous?! and we don't live close he lives on the other side of the world..I feel uneasy! 

Friend types: (Initial reactions)

(type a): What an annoying girl. Tell him to get away from her! Why the heck not if he doesn't like her in that way. There is no point to keep being friends and it's going to make your relationship unstable! (Majority)

(type b): mmm.. if it was just hanging out it's "ok" but he's tutoring her, and she's finding ways to see him... It's risky! You should be cautious! (average)

(type c): I think it's more important to trust your boyfriend because he's a good guy right? Also why does it matter if this girl likes him, he likes you and that is all that matters, even if she may be cute and is now studying in his uni, lives in the same area  and getting private tutoring lessons from him! There's no point thinking so much cause it's not helping your relationship. (lowest percentage).

(Scenario 3:)

Person 1: So my girlfriend has been hanging out with this guy she just met, she met him at her work place! He's from Argentina and she as a friendly person is helping him get to know her city! I'm a little worried.. I checked him out on facebook and he's a good looking man any thoughts on this? 

Friend types: (Initial reactions)

(type a): woo dude, that sounds kinda shady and hanging out that much?! Helping him that much? Watch out man! Cheating happens all the time and who the hell knows what they get up to?! Don't be so naive! Just break up with her and find a nice girl in this country why do you have to take that risk with a girl on the other side of the world, she's great and all but there is so much burden! (Majority)

(type b): I don't know man, you think about it and if you are cool then it's all good, but I'm just saying she should know better, I mean who would be comfortable with this? The "majority wouldn't" and I'm sure she would feel crappy if you are doing what she is doing!  (average)

(type c): That's really great! She's friendly! She's always been someone to help out so I don't think you have much to worry about and she's very loyal be happy that she is friendly! :) (lowest percentage).


PROBLEM BREAK DOWN!


In all three scenarios the most popular reaction is a negative one. "So risky! Don't be naive! You are too trusting! You can't know what happens over there! You can't know what is happening!" 

First of all, one can never know the future or what they can't see for themselves. This is a fact for a "negative that might be happening or the positive nothing weird is happening". It's very unfair to come to conclusions or start being un trusting to your significant other who really didn't do anything shady. Usually (type a friends) or people who react with a negative  have some emotional strain and aren't "healthy minded" enough to think the best of your significant other. They've been hurt before and is still finding it hard to trust. To them there is always a somewhat chance to be hurt and crapped on so before they get hurt they are looking for signs! (This is just the majority of thoughts I hear and does not represent true data).

(Type b) friends are more trusting but still very cautious because they have seen stuff and hear some very bad scenarios of real life stories and want you to not get hurt. So their initial reaction is positive but they add that negative ("realistic mind") at the end of their chain of thought. 

(Type c) friends are trusting, healthy and believe in the good of people. Yes they "might" get hurt but it doesn't stop them from trusting. They are also the types to take into account the good traits of your significant other before coming up with the conclusion that they are trashy. 

It's a problem in our society and for many people growing up who get told to not be naive, to not be too trusting. I'm not telling you to be believing in everyone all the time, but do base your trust on their past actions and present before judging and jumping into conclusions that they are "trash"

It sounds harsh but that is basically what you are saying about your significant other when you have serious trust issues! When they have been nothing but good and trusting towards you. DO not go asking your friends what they think before asking your boyfriend/girlfriend! It seriously is the most hurtful thing! Would you like it if your significant other always went to his friends regarding his thoughts on you? (type c) wouldn't do much harm but imagine he gets advice from the other two especially (type a) and he/she is easily swayed he/she might become very bitter and think too much and then cause a terrible strain on "YOUR RELATIONSHIP". 

No matter what, it is best to think for yourself, and for your partner because it's not others being in a relationship with him/her It is YOU! It is your responsibility to understand this person who you are with. 

Of course we all have those days when we need advice from others but you should be careful from who you are getting the advice from, think very carefully about this because instead of gaining wonderful insight you might just end up in crap village of negativity and self destruction. 

I am a generally pretty positive person but even those negative words get to me, they make me a bit negative and every time I have to remind myself that I don't mind being trusting when there are no reasons not to be and if something "negative" was to happen like being cheated on etc then I have to learn to forgive the person. I would rather forgive than being in the position of wanting forgiveness and feeling guilt. Guilt is a horrible thing to go through. 

Sometimes we need to put ourselves in other peoples "shoes". These scenarios which I have combined are all things which have happened to me. I am the one who was friendly who helped a friend who etc etc. I never did anything with any of them. I can just imagine right now what it would have been like if my boyfriend didn't trust in me, how I would feel? He did though :) and does trust me and is always supportive. I do the same for him, and for the first time I don't feel "insecure" I don't feel judged, he doesn't feel judged and I feel very comfortable about him and whatever girl he is hanging out with. 

Life does all sorts of things to make things a little trickier, a little more interesting, gives you obstacles to face and if you don't face them with a full blast of honesty, confidence and love you will crumble. The good thing is you can always change from being negative to positive the moment you let go of "ohhh what might happen" "what is he/she thinking" shouldn't you know your significant other?! If you don't,  you should get to know him/her better so that you too can be confident in them. It is vital if you want a healthy relationship! 

My advice and approach is to be vulnerable and completely honest with yourself. I get insecure too and I am only human but I trust in my boyfriend to know this and I say all I need to say. I admit that I am jealous, I admit that I feel defensive because I want him to know.

If your partner is someone who you want to be with for a long time shouldn't you not be afraid to show your fears and he/she shouldn't be afraid to show you his/hers? Your partner should be your fear combat buddy. You are a team clearing out all those fears stage by stage. 

If you are not with someone who gives you healthy support then he/she is not a good match. Only with a positive honest approach can you truly say you are in a healthy relationship, it takes hard work and determination to help each other to become the best versions of yourselves :)

I hope this helps some of you and good luck! 

Ann
xxx

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